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Alexis Anais

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fate [12 Apr 2007|08:08pm]

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My Father was always a gambler. Every night he was at the dog track, chain-smoking cigarettes, keeping records of every greyhound and winning money. He told me that when I was a baby, he would take me there and I would run around, trying to impress everyone. All the men would pick me up and put me on their lap, and try to teach me how to bet. I have distant memories of this one fairly large man with a gold chain necklace. I think his name was Joey. A few years later, I asked my father what had happened to him, and he told me that he had died, but that he was still a gambler in heaven. He broke the news to me in the car, and I remember looking up at the clouds wondering if it was possible to bet greyhounds from all the way up there.

Gambling. My Father always told me that sometimes it was easier just to lie than to admit the truth to the people around me. Never lie to yourself, he would say, but never get too close to anyone to let them understand the truth. Count your friends on one hand, and never give a fuck about what anyone thinks. There is no such thing as loyalty. No loyalty, no betrayal. No heartbreaks, no misery. It all made perfect sense to him, and I try to see things that simply, but sometimes I just can’t.

I’m a gambler, but I gamble with my emotions. Like him, I do most things out of rage, happiness, or impulse. I also ignore the conscience inside of me that is screaming “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO”, and I just do whatever I feel is right. Even if in the long run I will regret it, or it makes me miserable. I get tangled up in situations where being rational is impossible. There is always some drama, act of passion, or argument happening, and I live for it. I live for the drama. I live for having the chance to make everything right, even if I am constantly repeating the same stupid mistakes and setting myself up for failure. But I just know what I want. I know exactly what I want all the time, and I have a plan for getting it. Sometimes, the chance of emotional fulfillment is worth the risk. Sometimes, you have to go through the drama in order to truly get the happiness you want and deserve. Even if it doesn’t work out right away, it’s the hope; the chance, the gamble. Not giving up; I don’t give up on love.

Nick and I were talking about fate and how things happen unexpectedly, and how hard it is to be rational when your emotions won’t allow it. He said he wanted to let fate decide what to do, as if there really was someone else out there playing our lives like marionettes. I told him I didn’t trust fate, and that I’d find a way to manipulate it into my favor. I thought about my father. We both laughed, it was a nice moment.
3 Distance & Passion

[01 Apr 2007|04:17am]

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restless nights, wide awake at 4am.

My mind is kind of just, running a thousand different 'what if'
scenarios in my head, and I'm finding it hard to sleep alone.
3 Distance & Passion

[25 Mar 2007|05:51am]

my ultimate and most desired goal in life is to become
extremely powerful, successful, and beautiful.
and then completely destroy anyone and everyone
who has ever fucked me over.

I don't forget anything. I'm still waiting to
make Claire Bedulas life a living hell for
stealing all my candy in the first grade.

i think out of all the most beautiful feelings in the world,
revenge feels the best. and i just have a really bad feeling that
i am going to completely fucking snap.
8 Distance & Passion

[11 Sep 2006|12:46am]

I miss Adam Graetz.

homework homework homework.
1 Distance & Passion

[17 Jul 2006|05:33pm]

recently i have been remembering what it was like to be a teenager.
yes i am still a teenager, but not so much as two years ago.

a few days ago i went through my massive ammounts of old notes, diary entries written on napkins and scraps of paper, photographs, collected things, and i filed them in envelopes, all labeled to a time period or a person or a memory. organization, eventually i want my entire life in envelopes.

a few of my writings made me cringe with immaturity, others made me helplessly happy and nostalgic. sometimes i miss being thin, blonde, and happy. other times i miss being angsty and dirty, and not really sure where i was going. i miss being in love with ben jack, and thinking i was all set in life. actually i dont think it was until i met adam that i kind of magically transformed into an adult thinker. haha. oh man, the irony of it all. i say this while home alone in nicks house after a four day recluse. where am i and where am i going?

where am i and where am i going?

a collection of imagesCollapse )
19 Distance & Passion

[22 Jun 2006|04:10am]

you are a lobster && i am boiling
i wanna hear you sing,
i wanna hear you sing inside of me.
3 Distance & Passion

[23 May 2006|11:33pm]

She says "jump"
& he says "how high?"

The corner of my cellar is covered in paint, from when I was experimental in High School. The little 5 by 5 corner of my celler, with dried up bottles of acrylic and empty glasses that once held turpentine. Chewed up pencils, ruined paint brushes, spraypaint coating the walls. The entire corner is glowing with old creativity and innocence, it's haunting how many hours I once spent standing in front of that cheap wooden easel, smoking cigarettes after my family went to sleep. I dont like to go over there.
8 Distance & Passion

obscured [15 May 2006|10:55pm]

___ _____ ____: our conversation stole me.
___ _____ ____: you stole me.
___ _____ ____: from myself.

1 Distance & Passion

[16 Mar 2006|10:15pm]

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self portrait

5 Distance & Passion

[08 Mar 2006|04:11am]

This time, last year, I was heartbroken.
8 Distance & Passion

shift [20 Feb 2006|05:16pm]

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this journal is:

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36 Distance & Passion

[19 Feb 2006|08:50pm]

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Sigur Ros- Von

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people who read this journal.
tell me what you think love is.
reply here please because there is a massive friends cut coming
44 Distance & Passion

[31 Jan 2006|10:57pm]


sex, beer, and chinese food.
6 Distance & Passion

[30 Dec 2005|12:48am]

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Image hosted by Photobucket.com


photoshoot!Collapse )
12 Distance & Passion

[28 Dec 2005|02:08am]

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29 Distance & Passion

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